Polysecure by Jessica Fern

Author:Jessica Fern [Fern, Jessica]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Thorntree Press
Published: 2020-10-23T04:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER SIX

THE IMPORTANCE OF ATTACHMENT IN CONSENSUAL NONMONOGAMY

TO START, LET ME SAY that secure attachment with multiple romantic partners is possible. Honestly, it’s really a necessity to do CNM well and thrive, but we’ll get to that. Just as children do not only bond with one attachment figure, adults do and can have multiple securely attached relationships. When secure functioning is at play within CNM relationships, partners communicate well, trust each other, stick to their agreements and discuss wanted changes. They tend to have more compersion for their partners, they act respectfully towards their metamours and while they still do experience jealousy or envy, they are also able to support each other in the process. Jealousy becomes an opportunity for increased clarity and connection and it doesn’t take them or their relationships down. When I talk to CNM folks who are securely attached, they may admit that their relationships require work and acknowledge that they are not always easy (more people means more complexity, and scheduling is always going to be an issue), but they also describe an underlying sense of ease within and throughout their relationships. When people are securely attached, they enjoy each other and the process of living as consensually nonmonogamous.

My experience with CNM clients has taught me an enormous amount about how and why understanding CNM through an attachment lens is so important. As CNM individuals and couples began to seek my counsel, I began to notice two distinct camps: those who were mostly thriving and those who seemed to be barely surviving. For those who were thriving, our work was often short-term. As these people entered into a new relationship paradigm, they reached out to me for some support, guidance and perspective. They usually quickly expressed that they had got what they came for. Now better able to implement their CNM journey, they moved merrily along their way. Every few months, I’d even receive a text or email with photos of their entire smiling polycule around a kitchen table (I kid you not!). These people still reached out for therapy or coaching sessions once in a while due to breakups, STI scares, uncharted CNM situations to figure out and relationship transitions to process, but overall, CNM was working for them. They expressed feeling secure, and from my perspective they were enacting their multiple romantic partnerships, as well as their metamour relationships, from a place of secure functioning.

I call these people who thrive with their multiple partners polysecure. This is the state of being both securely attached to multiple romantic partners and having enough internal security to be able to navigate the structural relationship insecurity inherent to nonmonogamy, as well as the increased complexity and uncertainty that occurs when having multiple partners and metamours. More succinctly, being polysecure is having secure attachment with yourself and your multiple partners. Polysecure people are functioning securely both interpersonally and intrapersonally, both of which will be examined in more detail in Part Three.

There may be some people who enter nonmonogamy and are able to be polysecure right off the bat, but for many people this is not the case.

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